What We Learned on Week 1 of the NFL

Do not order from an Italian restaurant run by Arminians
Nothing against Arminians, it’s just that Italian food doesn’t seem to be their forte. The food will show up an hour late, the soup will be cold, and the pasta will taste like mom used to make. That is if your mom used to put too much pepper on Chef Boyardee.

Brian Urlacher would make an excellent High School Football Player
The new Nike ad shows Michael Vick, Ladanian Tomlinson, Urlacher, and Troy Polumalu all playing for the same high school team. Of course when crunch time hits, coach Shula has LT, not Michael Vick throw the key pass. No wonder he’s such a good coach.

You should not have taken Trent Green in fantasy football
Anyone else see the clip of his head hitting the ground in slow motion? The clip looks like it’s going really slow until his neck whips at about 80 miles per hour like it was a slinky and his head rockets into the ground. If he’s your starting QB, then you are very very dumb.

John Madden still has not found a weed wacker big enough to cut his eyebrows
And what color are they anyway? It’s like brown and orange had a hideous hairy child and glued it to Madden’s forehead. I put the over/under at six games before Al Michaels snaps and tells the makeup lady to cut them. I couldn’t work next to those things either.