What We Learned on Week 1 of the NFL

Do not order from an Italian restaurant run by Arminians
Nothing against Arminians, it’s just that Italian food doesn’t seem to be their forte. The food will show up an hour late, the soup will be cold, and the pasta will taste like mom used to make. That is if your mom used to put too much pepper on Chef Boyardee.

Brian Urlacher would make an excellent High School Football Player
The new Nike ad shows Michael Vick, Ladanian Tomlinson, Urlacher, and Troy Polumalu all playing for the same high school team. Of course when crunch time hits, coach Shula has LT, not Michael Vick throw the key pass. No wonder he’s such a good coach.

You should not have taken Trent Green in fantasy football
Anyone else see the clip of his head hitting the ground in slow motion? The clip looks like it’s going really slow until his neck whips at about 80 miles per hour like it was a slinky and his head rockets into the ground. If he’s your starting QB, then you are very very dumb.

John Madden still has not found a weed wacker big enough to cut his eyebrows
And what color are they anyway? It’s like brown and orange had a hideous hairy child and glued it to Madden’s forehead. I put the over/under at six games before Al Michaels snaps and tells the makeup lady to cut them. I couldn’t work next to those things either.

So I just had my first fantasy draft of the year...
AND I ROCKED IT!

So I thought I'd share the happenings of my draft with y'all.

I was selected to pick #5. Ouch. This is my least favorite position in this years's draft. No chance whatsoever of having one of the big 3 slip, and stuck with either an unproven steven jackson, an aging tiki who has an improving goal line back on his team, or portis and his bum shoulder. So I got on the horn and started making some noise. And I actually found someone who wanted number 5! My buddy Chong was picking at the nine spot and I got him to trade the first 2 rounds only, leaving me to pick 5th again in the third round. This was exactly what I wanted as I actually liked several of the projected late first round RBs better. I personally believe that if you look at the schedule and opportunity to be the sole back, that Ronnie Brown is poised for a HUGE year. I actually think he could put up top 5 fantasy stats. And yes indeed, he fell to me at number 9. After the snake pick team 10 took steve smith and lamont jordan I found myself reunited with my team's hero of last year, Rudi Johnson. (For those of you who didn't have him on your team you probably don't remember that with the Bengal's game already sewn up in week 16 ((our championship week and I was playing for the title)) on a basic run play to run the clock out he busted up three would be tacklers and scored a touchdown as if he knew my fantasy team needed those 6 points.)) Shaun Alexander was my MVP, but Rudi was the hero. Ok, enough reminicing of championships past. I had a new aquad to worry about. And in the third pick in the third round the second QB was taken. And it was Eli Manning! The player with the fourth pick had reached to grab Peyton Manning at #4 overall and already had his QB, and so I found myself with Carson Palmer after having grabbed 2 RBs already. Personally I think Carson could end up being the #1 FF QB again. He looked healthy and great in that preseason game and his offense is loaded both in the line and the skill positions.

After 3 rounds I was thrilled. I got the RB I liked best after the top 3, and if you've been reading I personally don't believe in either LJ or Alexander this year. So really I got my 2nd ranked RB, a very reliable second RB, and my #1 ranked QB.
But from there it kept going. I got chester taylor in the fourth, santana moss in the fifth, mike bell in the 6th, deangalo williams in the 7th, donte stallworth in the 8th, ben watson in the 9th (trust me kids...this is the TE you want!!!) and I wrapped up the draft a few rounds later by grabbing maurice morris who just so happens to back up the current owner of the madden cover jinx, Shaun Alexander.

You tell me...but I think I have a sick team.

Some NFL Things I Want to Shout About Aug 9.06

- The Broncos named Mike Bell, an undrafted rookie, their #1 RB going into the preseason. I am starting to think that John Daly could drink a handle of whiskey before games, strap on a helmet, and run his flabby ass to 1,200 yards under Shanahan's cut/zone blocking scheme. And I think Shanahan really finds some perverse joy in finding guys that none of us have ever heard of and making them a pro-bowl calibur running back. When asked who would back up Bell, Shanahan asked for a phone book and opened it randomly. They should hold a reality show to determine next year's starter.

- Written below are the actual lyrics to the rap song on terrellowens.com. I really can't imagine anyone having a more dilluded self image without being on 3 tabs of acid. I can pretty much tell you that if you like T.O. and do not diehardedly root (if that's not a word it should be) for the Dallas Cowboys to the point that you would root for Stalin if he were their tailback, then you and I do NOT see eye to eye on life. Here is what T.O found important enough to put to music...

When it comes to this game I'm the best in the field/
Some said I was gonna sign just a one year deal/
But I got what I wanted up front, 10 mil/
Changed the rules of the game so now how you feel?

I suggest this second verse.....
I wasn't loved as a child that's pretty clear/
and my abs and money make me grin ear-to-ear/
cuz i don't need no friends, no honor, no team/

- The raidas and the iggles kicked off the pre-season. McNabb was 3 for 3 and Aaron Brooks through an interception. Everything is back to normal in the NFL. It was good to see Donavan McNabb healthy again. I know it was only preseason, but he looked like the accurate QB we've gotten to know over those four successful years, not the horrible one that couldn't put zip on anything last year. The NFC East is gonna be reaaaallly interesting. Everyone is counting the Eagles out, but look at the QBs in the division and then tell me with a straight face that you're counting them out.

- There is no good #1 Fantasy Football pick! I know, everyone thinks there are 3 good ones, but just consider the following...

Larry Johnson - Sure he had a monster year last year that would have put him on a pace to break every record ever thought of, but talk about change of circumstances! He has never been a starter for an entire year like he will be, he has a new head coach, a new offensive coordinator, new offensive system, a new left tackle i.e. no Willie Roaf, and a new right tackle. Good, yes, #1...not for me.

Ladainian Tomlinson - He has been nicked up during the fantasy season for the past two seasons, including this whopper of a stat line for last december...

GAMEDATE Att Yrds Avg Lg TD Rec TD
12/04 OAK 25 86 3.4 13 0 0
12/11 MIA 21 75 3.6 16 0 0
12/18 @IND 24 76 3.2 12 0 0
12/24 @KC 14 47 3.4 20 0 0
12/31 DEN 19 92 4.8 28 1 0

After reading that consider that it will be Phillip Rivers and not Drew Brees to keep defenses honest on him.

Shaun Alexander - Easy schedule especially in the division, consistent coaching, even after losing Hutchinson the line is one of the best in the league. So what's the problem??



Enjoy the DL Shaun, see ya next season.
the madden curse lives on.
SR

The best 5 dunks of all-time

Recently JD, a good friend of mine, told me about one of the AND1 guys doing a 720 dunk in an AND1 game. Preposterous. Impossible. Not true. Or so I thought. So I went to youtube and looked it up, sure enough, it was there. (you'll see it posted here if you keep reading.) It was a thing of pure beauty. It looks like a figure skater's triple axl followed by a clean solid throwdown. The dunker, "The Air Up There" would have won a slam dunk contest on any planet with that beauty. No question, it was the best uncontested dunk I have ever seen. And it started a debate about what the best non NBA dunks of all time are. So complete with video evidence, here is the Soapbox's TOP 5 Non-NBA DUNKS OF ALL-TIME....

5. Spider bounces it over opponents head in an AND1 game


4. Abdoul Bamba's cartwheel dunk
(It is the first 2 dunks on this reel. The rest is good, but not top 5 material.)


3.James White goes through his legs from the free throw line!


2. Vince Carter Jumps over a 7 footer!
(Yes I said non NBA dunks not dunkers, and this is the Olympics. Besides if I want to cheat on my own list...)


1. "The Air Up There's" 720 dunk. Wow. Wow. Wait...WOW!




Not bad for some non NBA kids (ok, except Vince I know.) My strength shoes are coming in the mail. I'll be touching rim in no time biatches.

Feel free to hit me up if you got your own votes.
Scot

Fantasy Football Complaints

Note: I absolutely love fantasy football. I am in several leagues and think it is one of the 5 best inventions of modern time. But as a blogger I can come up with a list of complaints about Natalie Portman buying me a sandwich, so coming up with problems with fantasy football aint hard.

1. No draft guru EVER sticks his neck out
We all know that every year some sleeper ends up being the fantasy football MVP. Last year Larry Johnson DOMINATED the second hald of the season. The year before I got Peyton Manning in the second round as he rewrote the passing record book. Yet you NEVER EVER SEE any fantasy guru this year picking anyone other then LJ, Shaun Alexander, or LT s the top 3 picks. Where is the guy who will stick his neck out and say that Peyton Manning will have another 40 TD season and be the #1 player, or that CLinton Portis or Steven Jackson will be the man this year. Fantasy football is way too full of sheep. Will someone please grow some balls and say that someone, anyone else, is a top 3 pick. (My pick...Ronnie Brown over LT and LJ) You heard it here first. So laugh now and come pack around December to make sure you read it right.

2. Other players always have an excuse
I have yet to play in a fantasy league where people will just shake your hand and congratulate you when you win the league. Maybe its the fact that my taunting is world class, but people always want to go into some long explanation of how THEY should have won the league if only Marc Bulger hadn't gotten injured for the fourteenth straight season or if they hadn't dropped LJ on waivers the week before Priest Holmes got hurt. No one out there is claiming that luck isn't involved, it's just the losers who always want to remind the world.

3. There are no offseason decisions
If fantasy football is supposed to recreat the feeling about being a GM, then where are offseason trades, tough cuts, free agents, etc? And yes I am aware of keeper leagues, but they NEVER work. Why? Because the owner who has Deuce McAllister as his best player won't pony up 100 bucks next year to play in a league where someone has LT and Tiki Barber as keepers. So some owner always ends up dropping out and finding someone to take over his franchise is about as easy as selling lox in Lebanon.

4. There is no good system for trades
Let's face it, there are 2 kinds of leagues, those where stupid trades happen that make you want to shovel murder (similar to ax murdering) the player that gave away Steve Smith for Ahman Green and leagues that require 50% league approval also known as trades will NEVER happen leagues. On what planet am I going to let the team who has 4 good RBs and no QBs trade a good RB for a good QB. Both of my competitors get stronger? Really? Can I veto this yesterday? There needs to be a way to monitor trades so that it is fair but also lets them take place.

5. Defense is WAY undervalued
We all know that defense wins championships and has nothing to do with fantasy football. Why? Probably because whoever invented ff liked offense a little too much. What am I proposing? How about 5 points for every turn over, 2 points per sack, and a scale that makes holding a team to less then 10 points gets you another 10 points. What will this do? It will make picking which defense is going to have a big year (a fair and cool test of football knowledge) will be key to your next fantasy season. It would make the Bears defense a legitimate 2nd round pick. Now we're getting interesting.

6. Prize money is never enough
Now I know this sounds like a dumb point, because it is whatever you put into it, but there should be some fantasy football organizaion (how about the FFO) that superfunds the prize money in fantasy leagues. How should we pay for this? How about taking 10% of the profits from the NFL package, advertising on ESPN.com's fantasy section, and sales of Aaron Brooks jerseys. How is this fair you ask? Because without fantasy, no one would pay for any of these things. Trust me, no one owns an Aaron Brooks jersey because they think he's a good NFL quarterback, but sometimes 330 yards, 1 TD, and 3 ints is all you need to win a fantasy playoff game with Peyton Manning only playing a half against you.

7. There is no good playoff system
There is something great about the anything can happen, its one game for everything excitement that playoffs bring. I would love to have playoffs in fantasy football. But there is no good way to do it because the better your team did duing the year, the less those players will play come fantasy playoff time. It is completely stupid to reward the team with Dominick Davis and Kerry Collins over the team with Carson Palmer and Shaun Alexander.

So there are 7 major problems with fantasy football. All that means is it has less flaws then most of my friends, girls that I date, and other things that I do on the internet. Fantasy football is back, and I can't wait.

Scot

Welcome Soapboxers...

Hope you are all fighting the good fight this week. This will be the new home for my sports blog. For those of you who don't know me, I am Scot. Now you do. I am a comedy writer & a sports junkie. The kind of junkie who would shoot sports in between my toes if I had to. Luckily I don't, and that makes my feet nicer then most heroine addicts.

If you hang out here, hopefully you'll get a heavy dose of sports, comedy, and me screaming at the top of my lungs about everything and nothing. Please feel free to post back, comment, agree, disagree, or call me an a-hole. Hey, sometimes I am.

Also feel free to check out my writing in other places, become my friend on myspace, or email me. And if you like something you read, PLEASE pass it on!

Welcome,
Scot



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